Exhausted and Failing

I woke up Sunday morning to the rude chirp of my stupid alarm clock. Bleary eyed I stared at the 5:25am with a menacing glance. Not only did I want to throw it out the window but I was irrationally irritated and angry. I'd been up till after 1:30am rocking my sweet screaming baby girl, trying to calm her down and get her to sleep. I had a minimum of a 14 hour work day ahead of me and wanted nothing more than to fall to the floor in complete and utter defeat. 

I came down the stairs after a hot shower that seemed only to fuel the furious storm that was raging inside me. I told my wife (who was up feeding our dear sweet wide awake little girl) I wasn't capable of handling this job anymore, I was beyond done. I kissed both my wife and child goodbye with tears in my eyes, dreading more than anything having to walk out the door. I made it as far as my car (a whopping 30 feet) before I had to make a trip back into the house because I forgot stuff. 

I climbed into my car counting the reasons I would be throwing in the towel, but I have firm rule that our church music director instilled in me when I first started ministry. You can't throw in the towel on bad day. I drove to church and for the first time ever on a Sunday morning I hit every single traffic light.... Grumble, Grumble, Grumble. I pulled into church only to realize I forgot to get breakfast for the Sunday School teacher meeting... back to the car (a few less than kosher words may have flown at this point). I eventually get back to church and people start to arrive. Most have the same shirts, Thrivent Financial shirts that say to live generously, with big hearts right on the front.... I look down and see that same one on my chest..... my heart shifts a little bit. Those arriving are excited and buzzing about the services projects they get to do that day. I am still trying to get my feet under me, I'm leading worship, I don't have my God's blog book to use in my reflection. I run back and grab it, walk back to the sanctuary, left my keys and the prayers behind, back to my office. When we start worship only a few min late (by some miracle) I look out and see a vast sea of people expectantly looking at me, for the most part they match and I am not just talking about their shirts. They all have the same goofy expression of hurry up Jake we have work to get done today.... my heart shifts, in fact it shifted enough that I choked up and stumbled through what usually comes naturally in leading worship. 

It's time for the Gospel.  This is Jesus saying what you have done to the least of these you have done to me lesson. Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, visit those in prison, give those who are thirsty something to drink. Man I was thirsty that morning. I read the Gospel and then open my God's Blog book and read a section about being a mirror. Reflecting Christ back into the world. I looked up after reading that and God's presence was overwhelming. I saw, sitting in front of me, the hands and feet ready to work... heart shift....

Ever had those days? I was determined to be in a foul mood. I was tired, exhausted, angry. Those were just the first couple hours. I will tell you I didn't once, throughout that day, ever come close to catching back up. I never once got my feet back under me. I was beyond exhausted when I got home around 9:00pm, I dropped the ball on several things. I just wanted to pass out on the floor just inside the door. However, something inside me had changed and it was not because of me. It was my community, it was the people around me shining and beaming Christ so strongly that the darkness was banished. I wasn't happy, I wasn't magically filled with energy, but I was ok and ok was a long way from where I had started that morning. 

I imagine God walking into those moments with a sly grin on his face. He used those people around me, my community, to change my heart. I am so grateful for their presence in my life and I hope they know it. I will also tell you that this week hasn't gone any better. It's Wednesday night at 9:30pm and I am just getting to my Tuesday blog, this morning my mood wasn't much better than it was on Sunday, but again I am content. Yesterday was the same. But every day I have had the chance to be involved with my community of people reflecting Christ and they have done an exceptional job. 

Tonight I close with tears in my eyes grateful for all of you mirrors in my life, today you have given me something to drink, I hope that maybe tomorrow I can return the favor.