The Storm Within Bangarang
I doubt anyone still reads this blog. It's been years since I've posted and I don't know what it is that draws me in tonight. Maybe its the need to connect to something or someone outside of the world I am living in. Where are you? Where is your headspace? Want to take a trip down the rabbit hole with me... Because that's what it feels like.
I'm falling... nope scratch that, I've fallen. I hit the bottom. It's dark, it's smelly, it's cold, it physically, emotionally, and spiritually hurts. I can't even say I am above water anymore. I'm not. I haven't drowned but I don't see the light and I don't know which way is up. I'm living on that razor blade of an edge with my emotions. A glance from a stranger can fill me with warmth or make me want to fly off the handle. I can't sleep. I try but it as always just on the horizon. I catch an hour or two but then my brain starts again. I have knots in my shoulders. I have knots in my stomach, I get cramps in my legs reminding that I really should be drinking more water. My job is draining, school is draining, eating is draining, breathing is draining.
This is not wonderland Alice. This is the perfect storm. It's all of my nightmares wrapped up into one giant ball of fury. The rain, the hail, the raging winds, the battering hell-fury has finally beaten me down. I was not meant for isolation, I was not meant to be trapped, I was not meant to not fly.
There is something funny about storms though. Sometimes just for a second those clouds part. Sometimes just for a second a pop of light shines through and you know this storm isn't really the end. I had one of those moments at dinner tonight. It's been a rough week and that might be the biggest understatement of my ministry. Yet at dinner as we are eating my daughter looks at me and out of the blue says, "Daddy you are my best friend." No preceding conversation anywhere near that topic. I don't know how long it took my brain to process what she had just said. She smiled at me and went back to eating. I think when my brain restarted I said something along the lines of thanks sweetie you are mine too.
Why does this matter? I was angry at that point. I've been angry for days. Weeks really. I wont go into the details but its an inescapable anger. It won't go away. It burns and the longer it burns the hotter the coals get underneath. I've been praying, I've been playing music, I've been reading, everything I normally do that helps and nothing works. Sometimes I just end up more angry after because I didn't get away from it. It's a daily presence in my life right now. Boiling, bubbling, creating pressure. I internalize it because its not my daughters problems to deal with, my wife is doing so much for me right now so I can focus on school and the long hours I am still putting in at work. I have to remind myself before every word I speak to not let it out. They are not my anger. So far we've been good
Tonight it was like someone released the valve on a pressure cooker. That one sentence from her dropped my level so much. She took that fire and melted the hard stone that was becoming my heart. Is my anger gone? Nope. Are the knots gone? Nope. But are they less? Yes. Did I see a glimmer of hope amidst the raging clouds? Yes.
There is hope in the storm. Jesus comes sometimes in the middle of the storm and says "Peace" Tonight if only for a moment I saw that peace. In just the tiniest glimpse but it was there. I hope for those of you falling into the depths with me that you can find that glimpse of light and that it might give you the breath, the will, the urge to fight another day.
In the 1991 movie "Hook" Peter Panning has to learn to fly, to fight, to crow because he has gone so long without doing them. I am beginning to feel a lot more like Peter Panning than the Peter Pan I always profess to be.... but like a lost boy pulling at Peters face once said..... OOOHHHHH there you are Peter...... Tonight, my little one pulled at my heart.... Ohhhh there you are daddy......
And to that I only have one thing left to say to my sweet little girl..... Bangarang.
I'm falling... nope scratch that, I've fallen. I hit the bottom. It's dark, it's smelly, it's cold, it physically, emotionally, and spiritually hurts. I can't even say I am above water anymore. I'm not. I haven't drowned but I don't see the light and I don't know which way is up. I'm living on that razor blade of an edge with my emotions. A glance from a stranger can fill me with warmth or make me want to fly off the handle. I can't sleep. I try but it as always just on the horizon. I catch an hour or two but then my brain starts again. I have knots in my shoulders. I have knots in my stomach, I get cramps in my legs reminding that I really should be drinking more water. My job is draining, school is draining, eating is draining, breathing is draining.
This is not wonderland Alice. This is the perfect storm. It's all of my nightmares wrapped up into one giant ball of fury. The rain, the hail, the raging winds, the battering hell-fury has finally beaten me down. I was not meant for isolation, I was not meant to be trapped, I was not meant to not fly.
There is something funny about storms though. Sometimes just for a second those clouds part. Sometimes just for a second a pop of light shines through and you know this storm isn't really the end. I had one of those moments at dinner tonight. It's been a rough week and that might be the biggest understatement of my ministry. Yet at dinner as we are eating my daughter looks at me and out of the blue says, "Daddy you are my best friend." No preceding conversation anywhere near that topic. I don't know how long it took my brain to process what she had just said. She smiled at me and went back to eating. I think when my brain restarted I said something along the lines of thanks sweetie you are mine too.
Why does this matter? I was angry at that point. I've been angry for days. Weeks really. I wont go into the details but its an inescapable anger. It won't go away. It burns and the longer it burns the hotter the coals get underneath. I've been praying, I've been playing music, I've been reading, everything I normally do that helps and nothing works. Sometimes I just end up more angry after because I didn't get away from it. It's a daily presence in my life right now. Boiling, bubbling, creating pressure. I internalize it because its not my daughters problems to deal with, my wife is doing so much for me right now so I can focus on school and the long hours I am still putting in at work. I have to remind myself before every word I speak to not let it out. They are not my anger. So far we've been good
Tonight it was like someone released the valve on a pressure cooker. That one sentence from her dropped my level so much. She took that fire and melted the hard stone that was becoming my heart. Is my anger gone? Nope. Are the knots gone? Nope. But are they less? Yes. Did I see a glimmer of hope amidst the raging clouds? Yes.
There is hope in the storm. Jesus comes sometimes in the middle of the storm and says "Peace" Tonight if only for a moment I saw that peace. In just the tiniest glimpse but it was there. I hope for those of you falling into the depths with me that you can find that glimpse of light and that it might give you the breath, the will, the urge to fight another day.
In the 1991 movie "Hook" Peter Panning has to learn to fly, to fight, to crow because he has gone so long without doing them. I am beginning to feel a lot more like Peter Panning than the Peter Pan I always profess to be.... but like a lost boy pulling at Peters face once said..... OOOHHHHH there you are Peter...... Tonight, my little one pulled at my heart.... Ohhhh there you are daddy......
And to that I only have one thing left to say to my sweet little girl..... Bangarang.
Comments
Post a Comment